Oh How Fascinating!

by Gordon Dioxide

Once upon a time it was seven o'clock in the morning.

A monkey called Bosnia was asleep in bed when he was woken up by a loud bang.

He opened his eyes to see that his alarm clock had exploded into hundreds of tiny pieces.

"Bother!" he said "That's the fourth time that's happened this week, and it's only Tuesday".

He got out of bed, got dressed, had a shower and then put some dry clothes on.

He went downstairs and had breakfast, lunch and dinner, to save time later.

For breakfast he had a banana, for lunch he had banana muffins, banana yogurt and banana milk shake and for dinner he had steak and banana pie followed by a banana.

Then he answered the phone because it was ringing.

It was Auntie Biotic, who said that she was coming to visit to check that he had cleaned his teeth properly.

She did this every day.

So he quickly cleaned his teeth, washed behind his ears, combed his hair and polished his shoes, knowing that Auntie Biotic would check everything.

She was very fussy and could notice a speck of dust from a distance of 12 metres.

At 9 o'clock there was a ring at the door and the little monkey opened it to find his Auntie washing the grass on the front lawn with a scrubbing brush and a bar of soap.

I told you she was fussy.

She entered the house and said "I'll wash the dishes".

"No, don't worry, I'll do it" said Bosnia.

"No I'll do it" said Auntie.

"No I'll do it" said Bosnia.

"No I'll do it" said Auntie.

"No I'll do it" said Bosnia.

"No I'll do it" said Auntie.

"No I'll do it" said Bosnia.

"No I'll do it" said Auntie.

"No I'll do it" said Bosnia.

This carried on all day, until eventually Bosnia's sister Suzie had heard enough.

Bosnia and Auntie Biotic were always doing this.

They would both promise to do the dishes, but neither of them would actually do it.

They would just sit there drinking tea and saying "No I'll do it".

Suzie went into the kitchen to do the dishes herself, just like last night, just like the night before, just like the night before that and just like every other night as far back as she could remember.

The night was getting blacker and blacker, and Suzie could no longer see her own face.

She was scared, scared of what the future might hold, scared of what tomorrow might bring.

Tomorrow would be her 12th birthday, and this is what made her nervous.

Last year, her friends Kelly and Kelly had completely forgotten to buy her a present.

Or maybe they hadn't forgotten. Maybe they just didn't like her?

But then again, Suzie was a monkey and they don't usually get birthday presents.

She switched on a lamp so the room wouldn't be so dark.

She so hoped that Kelly and Kelly would bring her a present.

Then she started reading herself a bedtime story by Gordon Dioxide.

It was very good and she soon drifted off to sleep.

When she looked in the mirror the next morning, she was surprised to discover that she wasn't a monkey at all.

She was in fact a human being! Just like you and me!

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. That must be my friends with my present she thought excitedly.

She opened the door and was amazed to see the Kellys standing there with the biggest birthday cake you can ever imagine.

It was too big to even fit through the door.

"Happy Birthday!" they cried, but Suzie had no time to chat.

She was already eating the cake.

Two hours later the cake was gone and Suzie was 23 pounds heavier.

She felt a bit guilty for eating so much and decided to go for a jog.

While out jogging she saw a postman fall into a cactus bush. He came out looking like a hedgehog.

She kindly took him to the hospital, where the doctor said "Postman, I've got some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is that you're going to live, but the bad news is that you're not going to live for very long. You could be dead within a few hours."

The following Thursday, as his coffin was being lowered into his grave, a tall parrot was watching from a tree.

Polly the Parrot was very tall.

Very very very tall.

Very very very very very tall.

Very very very very very very very very tall.

Very very very ...

No, actually she was quite short. But she did look very smart.

Eventually, the day went away and night came back.

This caused the air to get very black.

So black that Polly couldn't see anything and she fell asleep.

She didn't wake up until morning time.

"Oh good!" said Polly "The air is white again. Now I can see."

She flew away from the graveyard and came across a school.

In case you don't know, a school is a big building where children go for lunch.

"Proteins, carbohydrates and fats are the three main nutrients in food" announced Mrs Tiffington to her class of ten-year-olds.

"Ben, are you listening at the back?"

"Yes miss" replied Ben as he was jolted awake by the sound of his name.

"Well what are the three main food nutrients?" asked Mrs Tiffington.

"Errr ... sausages?" he muttered.

The class laughed. Mrs Tiffington frowned.

"Meat, vegetables and ice cream?" he guessed again.

The class laughed louder. Mrs Tiffington frowned harder.

Howard Smith whispered "proteins, carbohydrates and fats" to Ben, but he couldn't quite hear it properly.

"Potions, jar of dates and cats" he said.

The class laughed so loud that the headmaster came rushing in.

Mrs Tiffington frowned so hard that the class laughed even louder and the headmaster started to scream.

The screaming got louder and louder until it was louder than the laughter.

The only person in the room that was still quiet was Ben.

He stood up on a chair and shouted "Would you all please be quiet. I'm trying to get some sleep!"

Then Ben sat down and fell asleep for 15 seconds.

When he woke up he was eight inches taller and his name had changed to Mrs Tiffington.

He was standing in front of the class.

"I'm not Mrs Tiffington. I'm Ben!" he shrieked, in a voice that sounded just like Mrs Tiffington's.

This made the children laugh louder than ever before, and even the real Mrs Tiffington was smiling.

When it was time to go home, Ben realised that he couldn't go back to his own house because his parents wouldn't recognise him.

So he went to the Tiffington house instead, where Mr Tiffington was amazed to discover that he now had two wives.

They seemed identical, except that one claimed to be a boy.

The next day, Ben's parents arrived at school and said "Mrs Tiffington, have you seen our Ben?"

"I am he" was the reply.

"You am he?" they said "What do you mean by that?"

"He am I. Me is Ben. Him is myself".

"You certainly sound like Ben" said his father "he is always talking nonsense. What is four plus four?"

"Twelve" came the reply.

"You are Ben! Take that Mrs Tiffington costume off!"

"It's not a costume. I've really turned into her!"

Meanwhile, the real Mrs Tiffington had turned into the headmaster and the headmaster had turned into a bar of chocolate, which is something he had always wanted to be.

This obviously means that the bar of chocolate had turned into Ben.

So it was a bit like a vicious square, with Ben, Mrs Tiffington, the headmaster and the chocolate in the four corners.

While all this was going on, something completely different was happening in a far-away country called Bosnia.

A man with a beard was eating egg and bacon for breakfast in his kitchen, while wearing a hat.

His wife, who was famous for her bad temper, had told him never to wear the hat in the house, and she was about to arrive home from the shops any time now.

She was already in a bad mood because the bus was late and the shops had run out of bacon.

As she came through the front door she called "Don't eat the bacon in the refrigerator because it will have to last us the rest of the week!"

The man looked at the refrigerator. He saw a hand-written note stuck to the door that read "Don't forget to shave" followed by four exclamation marks.

Just as this bad-tempered Bosnian woman was about to enter the kitchen to find her unshaven husband eating the last of the bacon with his hat on, the story switches back to the school where the chocolate bar headmaster is about to be eaten by a greedy little boy called Devon.

Devon has his own motto tattooed across his chest: "If it's food, eat it. If it's not food, eat it anyway".

Just in the nick of time, the headmaster is saved when the greedy little boy called Devon's Mum calls out "Oi! Greedy little boy called Devon, your four o'clock snack is ready!"

He ran inside the house and feasted on beef, pork, eggs, two loaves of bread, butter, cheese, half a cow of milk, chicken pie, no vegetables, lemon cake, one packet of peanuts, no fruit, another packet of peanuts, one plate, one knife, one fork and sixteen medium-sized cookies. It was quite similar to his half-past-three snack.

Apart from eating, Devon was also very good at dreaming.

Every night, between midnight feast and breakfast, he would have many strange dreams, usually about food.

Last night however, he dreamt that he met a stapler called Steve.

Steve was red, but his favourite colour was blue. So that was quite annoying.

Sometimes he would staple things together, but most of the time he would just sit on a shelf doing nothing.

He was manufactured in Germany in 1996 and then spent two years in a warehouse in northern France.

Steve knew things that no human could possibly know. He knew the future!

Yes, he knew things that haven't actually happened yet!

Steve told Devon that a man called Colin will meet a man called Peter at a football match.

They will watch the match and then start walking home.

On the way, they will meet a man called George and all three will catch a bus to Scotland.

The journey to Scotland will take three hours and they will completely forget to tell their wives about the trip.

Colin is a very tall man, Peter is very small and George is very medium.

When they get to Scotland they will head straight for the nearest river to go fishing.

The three friends are all keen fishermen.

It will be a beautiful sunny evening and Colin will be the first to catch a fish.

He'll put it in a bucket of water.

Then Peter will catch a fish and then George.

There will then be three fish in the bucket, all still alive and splashing around.

While the three men aren't looking, a naughty little boy called Jake will sneak up behind them and run off with the bucket.

He is a local boy from Dundee and he will take the fish home to his Mother.

She will cook the fish for supper and then Jake will go out to play with his friend Mark.

Mark is a good boy and usually stops the naughty Jake getting into trouble.

But not on this day.

On this day, Jake will walk on some wet cement, break a window for no reason, drop some litter on the street and then steal more fish.

He will then run to the station and jump on to the first train, without buying a ticket and while holding a large bag of wet fish and treading wet cement everywhere.

Jake will then fall asleep and wake up looking just like the person who's reading you this story.

Yes that really is Jake, right there in front of you!

And then the story will finish.

Jake will turn out the light, and you will put your head on the pillow and shut your eyes.

Jake will say goodnight and leave the room.

And then you will turn the light back on and have a party!

“This story makes no sense!” you say.

“Who wrote it?” asked Mum (or Mom if you insist).

“Somebody called Gordon Dioxide” replied Dad (or Dod if you insist).

“How can WE be in the story?” you ask “We’re the ones who are supposed to be reading it!”

“Mr Dioxide seems to make up his own rules and then break them!” said Dod.

“Lights out now" you say “I’m tired.”

“Can’t I read you one more story?” begged Dod, “Please?”

It’s a Quiz Party:

  1. Why does Bosnia eat breakfast, lunch and dinner at the same time?

  2. Who washed the grass on the front lawn?

  3. Who brought Suzie a big birthday cake?

  4. What was the good news that the doctor gave to the postman?

  5. What is a school?

  6. What is four plus four in Ben’s world?

  7. Why was the bad-tempered wife already in a bad mood?

  8. What was the tattoo on Devon’s chest?

  9. Where was Steve manufactured?

  10. Who is this person in front of you?