This is About You

by Gordon Dioxide

Once upon a time there was a young human being that looked just like you and behaved just like you. In fact, it was you.

One day you were bored, so you decided that you must be hungry.

“I’m hungry” you said.

“You can’t be hungry. You’ve only just had lunch” said Mum.

“Can I have two biscuits then?”

“No.”

“One biscuit?”

“No.”

“Half a biscuit?”

“No. We’ve got to go to the shops now” said Mum.

“Can we go to the toy shop?”

“No, we’re going to the supermarket.”

“Well I’m not coming then” you said.

“Oh yes you are. We’ll feed the ducks on the way back” said Mum.

“And go to the playground?”

“Oh alright, but only for ten minutes.”

You then spent ages looking for your shoes.

“Can I bring all my toys?” you asked.

“No of course not” said Mum “you can bring one small thing.”

So you brought your bike!

Then you took ages getting into the car, and didn’t shut the door properly so Mum had to get out to do it.

Then you wanted music on, but Mum wanted peace and quiet.

When you arrived at the supermarket car park, Mum discovered that you had taken off your shoes for some unknown reason. You had also unfolded the road map and couldn’t fold it back up again.

Going into the supermarket you went around the revolving door three times, causing chaos to all the other shoppers.

Inside the supermarket, you wanted to go and look at all the toys but Mum said you had to stay with her. So, after a bit of moaning, you walked round the food shelves while hanging onto the trolley so that Mum couldn’t steer it properly.

You saw two of your best friends from school, but walked past them pretending that you’d never seen them before.

Mum let you choose the breakfast cereal, so you chose the one with a free gift inside even though you don’t like that cereal.

At the checkout you wanted to take the things out of the trolley and put them on the conveyor belt. But you couldn’t lift the bag of potatoes out, so Mum had to lift it out and pass it to you so that you could put it on the conveyor belt.

The lady at the checkout smiled at you and gave you a sweet, so you quickly ate it before Mum told you to save it for later.

At the duck pond, you made sure that the little duck at the back got some bread, but tried not to give any to the greedy one at the front. Then some big swans surrounded you, so you dropped the bread and ran off screaming.

Walking down the footpath, you tried not to step on the cracks. Then you got tired of this, so you tried to step only on the cracks. Then your feet got confused, so you started walking normally again.

At the playground, you went on everything three times. You went down the slide forwards, backwards, upside down, inside out, standing up, with your head between your legs, with your legs between your head, and every other way you could think of.

“Time to go” said Mum.

“Just one more thing” you said, and you went on the swing again.

“Come on then” said Mum.

“Just one more thing” you said, and you went on the slide again.

Mum dragged you away as you were calling “Can’t I go on just one more thing?”

Back home, you couldn’t understand why dinner wasn’t ready when you walked in the door. Mum said she had to put all the shopping away first.

So you switched on the TV and went into a trance watching an episode of Scooby Doo that you had seen 17 times before.

“Dinner’s ready” called Mum.

“Just a minute, I’m watching something” you replied.

“Come on, before it gets cold” said Mum.

So you moaned a bit and went into the dining room.

“I can’t eat this” you said “some of the peas are touching the spaghetti”.

Mum just told you to get on with it.

You spilt some blackcurrant on the table - twice.

Then you fell off your chair because you were trying to see how far back you could swing it without falling off.

You wanted ice cream for pudding, but Mum gave you a slice of cake instead. You sucked the cream out of the cake, then you licked the icing off, and then you ate the boring sponge bit.

Dad came home and asked you what you’d been doing today, but you couldn’t remember anything.

“Can we have a pet?” you asked him.

“No” said Dad.

“Can we have a cat then?”

“No, there’s nobody to look after it when we go on holiday.”

“Can we have a dog then?”

“No, you have to take them for walks every day.”

“Can we have a rabbit then?”

“No, we don’t have a shed to keep it in.”

“Can we have a goldfish then?”

“No, we don’t have any water to keep it in.”

Now Dad was being silly.

“Can we have a rhinocerous then?”

“Okay” said Dad.

But you knew he would never really be that kind.

“When will dinner be ready?” you asked.

“You’ve already had it” said Mum “it’s bedtime now.”

“Bedtime! But it’s the middle of the afternoon” you said.

“It’s half past eight” said Dad.

You then spent ages cleaning your teeth. Then Dad read you a bedtime story by Gordon Dioxide. Then you wanted another story, so Mum read you one. Then you wanted another, but this time nobody would read you one.

“Leave the light on” you said.

Mum switched it off.

You lay in bed counting the flowers on the wallpaper. You thought you would never get to sleep but, the next thing you knew, it was morning!

Have you ever done these things?

  1. Unfold a map and not know how to fold it back up.

  2. Keep going round in a revolving door.

  3. Hang on to a shopping trolley, so it’s impossible to steer.

  4. Ignore school friends when you see them outside school.

  5. Choose the breakfast cereal that comes with a free gift.

  6. Make sure that the little duck at the back gets some bread.

  7. Try not to step on the cracks.

  8. Watch the same cartoons over and over again.

  9. Spill drinks on the table.

  10. Eat cakes in a very silly way.

  11. Count the patterns on the wallpaper.